Dream Silently

Desperation is a word that I’ve been thinking alot about lately. Be it, I’m desperate to have Joe home safe or that I’m desperately trying not to deck my “partner” on the project. I use the term partner loosely. I think, at times, that my desperation is born out of loneliness. I’ve been in Elko for a little over a year and still, all my friends typically come from the office. But, that’s slowly changing. Finally.

Since I started my project, I’ve been meeting quite a few new people (as in they just moved here over a year ago), alot of them new to the area that have no clue what there is to do or anything. Like me. One of the problems I ran into at the office was that when I asked, where do people hang out, I got stares and shrugs because they have families and significant others to go home too. Elko isn’t a college town by any means either.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to. When I’m not up to my eyes in stress, I’m going out and enjoying myself.

My project keeps me extremely busy. I’m constantly running around and doing different things and never seeming to accomplish anything. I never realized how much I enjoyed immediate satisfaction and how much I hate it when it can’t be obtained. My field tech is not much help. To put it bluntly, I AM THE LAB. My client made a comment on it and asked if I was getting enough out of my tech. I told him it’s not really an issue I can discuss with him, he just needs to be happy that he gets results in a promptly matter. The understatement? I get very little out of my tech. When I hear of him setting grade with Santa Claus, I wonder, why isn’t he at the lab helping me? If he has time to do that, what the fuck?

He made me feel like shit the week before that too. I asked him when he was going to pound a C proctor for me (I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough and it had been sitting there for about 3 or 4 days) and he turns around and tells me that he’s not my “nigger”. Do you know how offended I felt? And then he implied that I don’t pull my weight on the project. After he left the trailer, I broke down and cried. I couldn’t help it. I was so stressed and so upset that he would imply or even say something like that. I asked a simple question and he made me sound like I was racist and lazy.

After that happened, I made a list of what I do versus what he does. It doesn’t even compare.

What I do on this project:
1. I log all completed samples into geosystems, print them out, and file them.
2. I do all the field autocad that is to HELP him out while he’s doing field testing.
3. I do all the dailies, which have to be completed and in the client’s box the very next morning.
4. I go to the meetings, both weekly and the sporadically scheduled.
5. I have to do safety and site inspections with the client on a practically daily basis.
6. I keep track of all paperwork, which includes meeting notes, work acceptance of areas, etc.
7. I do final inspections.
8. There are tables that I have to update as field and lab testing is completed, I do all of those and bring copies of those tables with me to meetings and provide it if its is ever requested by the contractor or client.
9. In between all the above, I’m looking for sources of material to be used on the project (pipe backfill, bedding, drain rock, etc) and I do pretty much all the lab work at the lab, which includes A and B proctors, grades, sample prep, washes, and addeburgs.

What he does:
1. Density testing as required by the contractor
2. Paperwork for his density which I’m usually after him to complete.
3. Collecting the samples, which I usually have to remind him to do.
4. Lab work when he feels like it (okay, that might slightly be bias, but that’s what it feels like)

That’s it though. What I do and what I am responsible for doesn’t even compare to what he does. But if I comment on something or remark that I don’t like something or that I need him to do something, he’ll ignore me or make some kind of snide remark. Like this weekend, I almost told him to get the fuck out of the lab because he pissed me off. It was freezing outside so the heater was going on crazy. I’m freezing because I have my back to a window that has to be cracked open to allow a hose to come through so that we can have water for our testing. There’s a draft and he’s walking back and forth through a door to pound a proctor outside.

He leaves the door open everytime he walks back and forth. And while he’s breaking apart one of the proctors, he comments that he’s hot and he goes to turn the fucking heater down. I say, outloud, I’m cold. If he’s really that hot, all he has to do is step outside for like ten minutes (it’s like 35 degrees out) and cool off or take off the quilted flannel he’s wearing on top of a shirt. He mutters under his breath, “It’s not all about you.”

WHAT THE FUCK? It’s not all about him either.

And reading back through this, I think it can be seen that I’ve been upset about this for a while. I’ve had no outlet for it either.

For some reason, I feel better.