The Funk
The last couple of weeks I’ve fallen into a funk. More like crashed into it. I really don’t completely know why. All I know is that simple things that usually make me happy and enjoy life, weren’t pleasing and gave me no desire to be motivated to do them. All I’ve wanted to do was curl up in my bed under a couple of blankets and play dead to the world. I’ve actually been forcing myself to partake in the usual social activities as if I’m trying to lie about something to myself.
I feel better today, skipping the drippy nose and puffy eyes due to allergies hitting me with quite a bit of force this week. Hence the reason for writing…
Joe and I have been fine. We’ve been doing a lot of talking, which might be part of the reason for the above (some of the talking has not been so good and small things set me off… like my over active imagination). The end of the month keeps coming closer and closer. It scares me actually. While I want him to move in… I’m afraid of being dominated. I really don’t know how else to describe it. I listen to him want to do all these things together and, while, yes I want to do things with him, I want to do some things on my own and by myself. I just don’t know if I ever say this well enough for him to understand it. I need space. I need my own air or an afternoon/evening periodically to myself to get lost in my own head. It’s like seeing a coworker at work all day and then having to see them all evening, 7 days a week constantly without respite. Does that make sense? Well, if I haven’t been saying it well enough, at least you’ll read it sweetheart. I’m sure when you talk about so many things at once, you’re not picturing them all at once, but it can get overwhelming at times.
Work has been frustrating in some aspects too. I can’t check e-mail on my lunch break or any of my public sites (surprisingly blogger works, but I can’t bring myself to use it to feed the posting need because of IT informing HR or something). I’m forced to share the other half of a split office with an engineer I don’t care for because he has yet to demonstrate his capabilities of being useful besides being an arrogant ass (and come to think of it male dominant attitude too) and clearly doesn’t care what I say (If I say I don’t care for basketball, I don’t care for basketball… don’t continue to ask me if I’m doing a get together for the game, etc, etc, after I have already stated my clear dislike for the game.). I’m being yanked between 5 projects at once and get told one thing and then the complete opposite happens. I’m also not in school right now because a C is considered a failing grade and once received in a prerequisite course, you’re dropped from the program (however, I can re-enroll in September). I bombed the fluids final from being sick the week of finals. It dropped my grade point and, while I expressed my concern with my instructor, he couldn’t do anything for me because this school doesn’t give incompletes (which I found out after the fact).
One good thing out of all of this despite my fear? Joe will be here soon.
I also found out that I can retake myEIT as many times as I want through Utah’s board. That means no more requests to Alaska’s board, no more fee for having to be proctored. That was news that made my week pretty gleeful. Salt Lake is hell of a lot closer than Reno.
There’s really nothing else exciting to share. As a fore warning, I will be taking the site down for a few hours this weekend and doing a clean install of wordpress. I think it’ll fix my feed problem and it’ll save me the trouble of having to go through each line of code looking for the white space. I might even have a new layout…
And, in sounding like a letter, I hope all is well with people and I’ll be trying to catch up since I feel more like myself finally…
I totally get the needing space. There are some weekends that I go off and do my own thing and Indy is fine piddling away on the house. I like that about us that there are no hurt feelings on both sides (usually) when we want to be apart.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:28 pmI completely understanding needing time and space. Unfortunately, because Jacob and I (even though we live together) see so little of each other, all of our free time is spent together. I think that if we did spend more time together (as in nearly 24/7) we’d eventually fall into a rhythm (sp?). I think that’s what would eventually happen to you.
Maybe at first there might be a lot of togetherness, but after a while, things would even out!
June 10th, 2008 at 10:06 pmA lot of meaningful blogs since I have been away on holiday, sounds as though you are having a hard time of it at the moment lore, big hug sent over the Atlantic to you, actually if I send it via the north pole it will get there quicker.
I know it’s easier said than done and there will always be worries but try at look at all the positives. This should be one of the most wonderful times in your life, finally you get to live with the one you LOVE, enjoy it, NASA’s countdown is nothing compared to all the little things that make up this great countdown towards living together. And then the fun beings….
It’s always going to be pink fluffy clouds in the beginning, it’s new and exciting and there will probably be annoyances in the beginning too, after living sometime on your own you get into a comfy world that you now have to share. This too is something that you should enjoy, all those little differences.
I understand slightly about the need for space too but in my opinion to much emphasis is put on the words “My own time”. Think about the time you have together, you wake up at 7, see each other shortly before going to work, work until 5 and drive home to get back at 6, go to bed at 11, so you only really have 5 hours a day quality time together excluding weekends and as Faythe so rightly says “Unfortunately, Jacob and I see so little of each other”. But as I said I do understand the need.
My one piece of advice to you both would be, communicate and really listen, if you do this you will still be walking down the street holding hands when you are 90. Oh well I suppose that’s enough from me again, take care.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:19 amAs an extreme introvert I understand the alone time thing, too. Sometimes it’s hard to recharge around anyone, even my family that I love dearly.
Just remember to breathe.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:47 pmI like having my alone time as well. I treasure every single minute I get of it now, especially with having a family. The bathroom is my little quiet place at times.
Hope the feed works better after this. If it don’t you could see if it will post with Feedburner properly.
I should try wordpress on my server sometime, if i ever get the time, with family needing stuff all the time that is =p
June 13th, 2008 at 12:20 pm